I was completely crushed with the failure of the transfer. I literally poured everything I had into it. I visualized the embryo implanting and I visualized myself pregnant. I visualized M&K meeting their child for the first time. I ate well. I took my meds even when they made my head feel like it might pop off and played my emotions like a puppet on a string. I flew across the country and rested like I should. I stopped drinking Pepsi for Pete's sake... and it didn't work. The question that I was left with was, "How could I have failed?" and "How can I possibly do better next time?"
Well... We're going to increase my vitamins. We're going to keep with a 3 day transfer on the same amount of meds. I'd be more comfortable doing a single embryo transfer with a 5 day blast, but here's the major difference in this cycle. We're going to transfer two embryos. :: silence. crickets ::
Yes that's right. After talking in depth with my husband (who is wonderful by the way. Please let him know if you think so too.) or should I say bawling my eyes out in despair over the decision between two embryos or one, he said to me, "I trust the decision that you make." He has been very supportive of a single embryo transfer and very tentative about any more than that, to the point where I told K&M that I would understand if they thought I wasn't the right person to go through this with. I told them if they wanted to pick someone less risk adverse, I'd be sad because I very much want to do this for them, but I would absolutely understand. K wrote back indicating that the chances of a single transfer were not likely and was able to clarify the RE's stats for twins a little more. More tears on my part because now I've upset her and she didn't need my stress on top of her own.
Again my husband gave me a hug, looked me in the eye and said, "Do you want to give this gift? ...because you can't just half ass this out of fear. Our kids will be fine. If you're going to do it and you feel strongly about it, do it all the way. Let's find a way to make it work. If you have twins we can make it work." ...and he's right. I do want to give this gift. I just don't want my family to have to sacrifice for it, so we set out to create a plan.
I spoke with my mother who has a flexible schedule. She does work but can set her own hours to a degree. She said that in the event that I was on bedrest, she could help out. Additionally, in exchange for any time spent on bedrest, K&M would also bring someone of my choice into my home to care for my children. If I know right away that both embryos stuck and I do end up carrying twins, I can also set to work filling the deep freeze with meals in advance. With that plan in place, I think I can agree to a double embryo transfer with slightly less anxiety. I just needed to be sure my girls would be well cared for so they didn't have to make a major sacrifice.
The RE thinks there's less than 15% risk of twins, but he also says that putting two in doubles the success rate so I'm not sure I agree with his numbers. I can't find another RE who would quote that kind of success rate with two. An additional 10% is the highest bump in success rate I can find. That makes me a little suspect of his numbers but then he is doing a lot of things in his practice that make a lot of sense. (Vitrification for freezing embryos, holding back on stims so that at retrieval there are less eggs but better quality ones) Of course there are other things I don't agree with (not using ultrasound guided transfers and insisting on 3 day FET's) but I suppose it evens out in the end. The guy has great success rates.
So...we're going to do this. I think I'm not going to sleep well for an entire month. Possibly longer. No doubt I will be praying for a singleton with everything I've got. But if we end up with twins... then it was meant to be. Judge me if you must, but I've planned ahead for my children's comfort and needs.(Which has always been my greatest concern.) I'm giving this gift wholeheartedly. Not "half assing it." ;)